My YM Moratorium

I recently declared a moratorium on myself: not to use Yahoo! Messenger.

I have no idea for how long or for how short a time. I just know that I need to lessen the distractions at work and impose some discipline and professionalism in the way communications and documentation is handled. Plus, I was getting so annoyed at the pop-ups every time somebody logs-in or logs-out. More so if the Internet connections are not stable and steady in your contact lists' office.

My moratorium decision also stems from something very personal but I will not disclose here in this outlet. It is not for public consumption.

How have I been faring so far? Well, it could be something similar when undergoing drug or alcohol (or sex?) rehab. You undergo a "detoxification" process. But I suspect mine is both a cold turkey and detox approach.

I declared my moratorium over a month ago I think but have not been able to uphold things on my end for I guess a week or two. It was only recently that I was able to control and discipline myself.

I am slowly experiencing the benefits of being less distracted at work and being able to gather more concentration and focus. But I just have to disclose that I kind of "cheat", in the sense that I open my YM and quickly check who is online and if there were any offline messages left. But all is done in a minute or maybe even less. I do that around three times a day.

In curbing this habit or this typical routine, I found myself not tempted to chat or open the chat window. I guess I would consider that a milestone for myself and that this "cheating" is forgivable.

My aim is really not to use YM in matters related to work or business and to train people to document things and respond quickly, properly, professionally via e-mail.

In fact, through e-mail, I am able to "converse" fluidly and not experience disruptions of thought unlike in chat when people just interrupt on as is or as need basis. E-mail is also beginning to be a friend as well. I am able to decently list down the things I need in an organized and uninterrupted manner as opposed to YM.

Perhaps this decision to declutter and to delineate my personal space from work helped shape this declaration.

So I hope to continue this practice and achieve the type of discipline I need in managing my affairs. Wish me luck as I continue on.

Up at 4am

I woke up a little before 4am. I've begun doing some mind exercises last Friday - no, make that last Wednesday - to help myself.

I am supposed to work on my Governance Innovation Report but I found myself organizing one of my Gmail accounts. Admittedly, it felt good, lighter even redirecting some of the e-mails to another account. I felt these were encroaching too much on my personal space. The clutter and the stuffiness these brought seemed to reflect what has been going on recently with me.

Yes, it has been a while since I've updated this site of mine. I am sorry for not having lived up to my promise of doing so.

Just like my personal account which was heavily bombarded with so many e-mails (it really messed up my personal space and did not leave me much room to enjoy my sanctuary), I was struggling with my own issues of happiness, liberation, satisfaction, stability and independence.

Why I encountered this stifling sensation frustrated me. It drew me into a vortex that led me to doubt and insecurity. How I am dealing with these is another story. But I am now in a better disposition compared to before.

What I would like to share in this entry is how much writing has been the salve to soothe me.

My inner demons which brought me so much turmoil, distress and desperation were released and contained (somewhat like the Ghostbusters' electromagnetic ghost trapper) in a journal. My journal has been detailing the feelings, process, realizations, existential questions that brought me to my own decisions. Writing has been my constant companion as of late, calming me and freeing me of my own internal battles.

Before, I would use to tear up previous journal entries - and now that I am older and wiser, I regret doing so. I think this is a side of me which refused to reconcile a phase or a stage I had to undergo that was really awkward - embarrassing at times, painful, foolish. I thought these did not describe myself. I wanted a different projection of me. Now, I had enough sense to keep intact my diary from the time I started writing - and this was when I was ten years old.

Hahaha ... as I wrote that sentence it brought tears to my eyes. Regretful? Sentimental? A little of both I believe. Wow, that was a good release; not a full one but at least it eased the pressure inside of me. And so, here I am on an initial attempt to be more forgiving and accepting of myself.